New Calvinist Baskin-Robbins Offers Customers One Preselected Flavor To Choose From

CANTON, MA—Baskin-Robbins has famously advertised 31 different flavors of ice cream to choose from, but a new line of spin-off stores targeting the lucrative Calvinist market will offer patrons just one.

“1 Flavor: the one you were predestined to enjoy from eternity past,” the chain’s tagline reads, an accurate description of the consumer experience. When customers come in, they’re not allowed to sample any flavors but are simply given a flavor preselected by Baskin-Robbins and personalized just for them.

One woman recently attempted to order her favorite flavor of Daquiri Ice at the Reformation Bible College in Sanford, Florida, but was informed that Mint Chocolate Chip had been chosen from her as the Lord looked down the corridors of time and selected the flavor she would choose. “I don’t really like mint chocolate chip, but if that’s the Lord’s will, I will partake from the cup He has chosen for me,” she reportedly said, before being informed that God had chosen a waffle cone for her instead of a cup. “Oh, OK. That’s fine too.”

The company is testing the idea with a pilot program on and near several Calvinist-leaning seminary and Bible college locations. Should it prove successful, the company will open the concept up to the wider market, allowing more potentially non-elect customers to have their flavor chosen for them from before the creation of time-space history.

Unfortunately, customers who arrive and aren’t elect, as determined by the staff’s Elect Detector behind the counter, will be given the company’s patented “Fire and Brimstone” flavor with a topping of “Weeping and Gnashing of Teeth,” according to BR representatives.