Nation’s Restaurant Workers Brace For Barrage Of Lousy Sunday Afternoon Tips

US—Cooks, servers, hosts, and busboys in restaurants across the country reportedly began bracing themselves Saturday for the inevitable barrage of terrible tippers that will descend upon their restaurants once local churches let out across the country Sunday afternoon.

“We have a little pep-talk among the staff before we open on Sundays, just to make sure everyone is prepared and nobody is expecting to make very much money that day,” one anonymous Charlotte-area server told reporters, noting that the after-church crowd is notorious among restaurant employees nationwide for demanding expectations followed by meager tips, usually ranging from zero to five percent. “Being super stingy—I think that’s a requirement for Christians. Like I think it’s in the Bible that they have to leave really small tips. So I just try to mentally prepare, plaster a smile across my face, do the best job I can, and not let the paltry compensation get me down.”

“Of course, when they leave one of those fake $100 bills that looks real but turns out to be a religious pamphlet—that’s pretty crushing,” she added.