WASHINGTON, D.C.—The soon-to-open Museum of the Bible in the nation’s capital announced Tuesday the acquisition of a rare archaeological artifact: the golden tablets containing the lyrics to “Jesus Freak,” rumored to have been handed down from on high to members of popular Christian band DC Talk circa 1995.
The tablets were reportedly written in Egyptian-like hieroglyphs by an invisible hand, and had to be translated by Toby Mac, Michael Tait, and Kevin Max in a complex process which included staring at a pair of WWJD? bracelets in the bottom of a cabby hat.
“Though the tablets had been lost for years in the basement of a defunct, abandoned Family Christian bookstore, we’ve finally managed to locate the fabled pages of gold so we can display their glory to the world,” a representative for the museum told reporters.
While some initially doubted the authenticity of the plates, the museum hired a team of independent scientists, who were able to confirm the ancient symbols indeed contained key phrases that match lyrics from “Jesus Freak,” like “I saw a man with tat on his big fat belly, it wiggled around like marmalade jelly,” as well as “The Pharisees tripped when they heard him speak, until the king took the head off this Jesus freak.”
The exhibit will feature prominently at the museum upon its opening, along with other significant Christian artifacts like a curly lock of Keith Green’s hair and actual wreckage from the ruins of long-dead genres like Christian ska.