GREER, SC—Local man Phil Arlington is reportedly “confident” that Apple’s newest iPhone—the 7—will finally be the object that fulfills his innermost longings.
Reclining at his desk while speaking to reporters Thursday, Arlington proudly displayed his collection of obsolete Apple products, ranging from the very first iteration of the iPhone all the way through his iPhone 6s Plus, which was cutting edge until the week after it was released.
“Some people question whether iPhone 7 will be the one to do the trick,” Arlington said excitedly. “But I mean, this beast has a dual-lens camera, wireless earbuds, and even a processor that’s marginally faster than the last one—imagine that! Surely this one will fulfill my most innate desire for purpose and fulfillment…” Arlington’s speech then trailed off as he stared out the window at nothing of note, the 32-year-old mechanical contractor sighing heavily for no reason in particular.
“Maybe I’ll get it in jet black—that’ll definitely satisfy my inherent ache for meaning,” he added, reassuring himself that the inanimate object would make him whole inside.
At publishing time, Arlington had ordered a new PlayStation 4 to replace his aging PlayStation 3, which was still in good working order but had reportedly somehow failed to fill the gaping hole in his heart.