Local Church Establishes Heretical Book Buyback Program

SAN ANTONIO, TX—“No questions asked,” the sign reads above the booth proudly set up inside Alamo Heights Bible Church’s foyer. The booth is the heart and soul of the church’s new heretical book buyback program, which pays gift cards, cash, or church bookstore credit in exchange for undesirable books of questionable or downright heretical content.

According to teaching pastor Tom Hunter, the goal of the big new buyback initiative is to reduce the number of dangerous volumes in the hands of church members, and provide an easy, no-questions-asked way for members to get rid of their laughably heretical books.

“We don’t know why on earth you bought The Shack, and frankly, we don’t care. Just turn that puppy in and get some cold, hard cash or even an Amazon gift card,” Hunter posted on the church’s Facebook page. “Our pews will be safer for it.” The post went on to list some of the most popular dubious works for church members to discreetly turn in, including Heaven is for Real, Four Blood Moons, and numerous books and DVDs by Creflo Dollar.

“I brought in a few Bells, a McLaren, and an Osteen devotional calendar,” one church member told reporters. “They gave me $5 and a Wienerschnitzel coupon—I think we know who got the raw end of that deal.”

Next month, the church will reportedly launch a new initiative aimed at getting church members to anonymously trade in their secular CDs for WOW Worship compilations.