COLUMBIA, MO—Local Calvinist Bryan Harrison holds to an intricate, well-developed theology of evangelism that exists entirely in the theoretical realm, sources confirmed Saturday.
“God is wholly sovereign in salvation, but He uses the means of gospel proclamation to accomplish that end. We can’t just sit around on the couch and hope people get saved,” explained Bryan thoughtfully as he took a seat on his sofa for his daily four-hour Xbox session. “God brings His elect in through the sacrificial efforts of people like you and me.”
“People totally misunderstand Calvinism, as if the salvation of sinners happens in a vacuum, with no God-ordained means used in bringing them to Christ,” said the Reformed man who, sources confirm, has not witnessed to a single person in the past five years.
“You really should read J.I. Packer’s book on the subject—it totally changed the way I debate the idea of God’s sovereignty in evangelism,” he added. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to tend to the important business of pwning some noobs.”