Local Calvinist Completes Three-Day Fast From Craft Beer

NAPERVILLE, IL—Tired, weak, and ten pounds lighter than when he started, local Calvinist Brett Taylor announced Wednesday that he has successfully completed an intensive three-day fast from all forms of craft beer.

“Man, I’m glad that’s over with,” Taylor told reporters between swills of IPA at Jackson Avenue Pub Wednesday. “I definitely feel like my fast brought me closer to God—like I am more familiar with Christ’s sufferings now.”

Asked for advice for other Reformed brothers and sisters whom he may inspire to attempt the same feat, the 34-year-old cautioned to prepare for a tough ride.

“You have to pray a lot during your time without any porters, ales, IPAs, or stouts. You really have to dig in and pray, confessing your dependence on God. I know it seems impossible to go three whole days without any high-quality, high-alcohol-content brew, but with God all things are possible.”

“Drinking plenty of PBR during the fast also helps a ton,” he added.