John Piper Celebrates Birthday By Wasting Full Minute Of Life Playing Video Game

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In honor of his 71st birthday, author and Bible teacher John Piper reportedly allowed himself to indulge in a full 60-second binge of Super Smash Bros. on a Nintendo 64 console borrowed for the occasion.

“Today, I’m going to treat myself, Noel,” Piper said to his wife as he ate his morning bowl of Grape Nuts, shredded wheat, and granola, all mixed together. “I don’t want any responsibilities or interruptions. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the den gorging myself on video games for the next sixty seconds or so.”

“Hold my calls, and make sure no one bugs me. The next minute is all about John Stephen Piper. I’ve earned it,” he reportedly said as he made his way to the den.

Discovering Super Smash Bros. in the console, Piper said a quick prayer and powered it on, selecting Samus Aran as his character. The preacher then engaged in a full minute of all-out brawling against CPU-controlled opponents before stopping the game mid-match, turning off the console, and resuming his regular daily regimen of personal devotionals, writing, recording podcasts, and prayer, according to sources.

“That was fun,” Piper said afterward. “We can’t be too rigid about things. We need to allow ourselves times of leisure and Christ-centered, God-saturated recreation, at least for a minute or so each year.”

At publishing time, the pastor had begun to feel deep regret over his self-indulgent video game binge, and was heard wailing in his study, “I’ve wasted it! I’ve wasted it all!” before informing his wife that he would forego his customary birthday Butterfinger Blizzard as penance.