iPhone, Android Camps Set To Clash At Annual SBC Meeting

ST LOUIS, MO—As the 2016 Annual Meeting of the Southern Baptist Convention looms large, deep rifts within the SBC community are coming to light. As shown in increasingly frequent public clashes and sharp, heated debates behind closed doors, the convention is growing more and more divided over the great iPhone vs. Android debate.

Dr. Russell Moore of the SBC’s Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission, who recently and controversially converted to the Android position, tweeted from his brand-new Android-based HTC One Monday, “The aberrant iOS position is the greatest threat to the #SBC since higher criticism in the ’70s and ’80s.” Dr. John Piper, who is not part of the SBC, tweeted in response, “Farewell, Russell Moore.”

Dr. Al Mohler, President of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, vehemently opposes the rise of the Android worldview, which he called “a sinister, godless environment that threatens everything we hold dear as Southern Baptists” in his Monday morning episode of the popular The Briefing podcast, as well as calling iOS “the future of the Southern Baptist Convention” during a morning panel event at SBC 2016. “Android asks us to bow the knee to the worldview of a godless corporation like Google, while my iPhone provides me the security and religious freedom the Founding Fathers worked for.” The position comes as no surprise to those in the know, as Dr. Al Mohler himself runs on a modified Unix kernel developed in conjunction with Apple.

Rumors have also been swirling in various SBC circles that Ed Stetzer’s recent departure from LifeWay Research was not entirely voluntary, as Stetzer is said to have been discovered using a Windows Phone and was subsequently asked to quietly resign rather than let the scandal tear Southern Baptists apart. It is not certain whether Stetzer plans to confirm or deny these allegations at the event.

With nearly every Southern Baptist taking a passionate stance on the issue and virtually none left in neutral territory, this year’s SBC Annual Meeting looks like it could become quite the dust-up.

While commentators are predicting an inevitable SBC split once the technical details start flying, anonymous sources from within have claimed David Platt, President of the International Mission Board, is working feverishly on a last-minute compromise. Platt’s rumored radical plan will call all SBC members to sell their smartphones and donate the proceeds to missions efforts geared toward unreached people groups around the globe.