ARLINGTON, VA—Local holy man and righteous chosen one Guy Johnson continues to loudly proclaim his ignorance of secular music, TV shows, and movies to everyone within earshot, whenever he gets the chance, his friends and family confirmed Friday.
One typical day last week illustrates this man’s hallowed journey of purity.
Picking up coffee on the way to work, the upright saint reportedly overheard a conversation about a recent episode of hit reality show “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Johnson rushed across the coffee shop, vaulted a cafe table like an Olympic athlete, and shoved a couple out of the way in order to insert himself into the conversation, according to eyewitnesses. He then loudly proclaimed, “What is a ‘Kardashian’—is that an ethnicity? I’ve never heard of that.” When he was informed it was a secular TV show about the eponymous reality TV personalities, he quickly and loudly declared, “Oh, I don’t watch secular television.”
But Johnson’s work for the day was just beginning, sources confirmed. At his office lunch meeting, a coworker commented on the “catchiness” of Justin Bieber’s latest single, prompting an exaggerated look of confusion on Johnson’s pious face. “Bieber? Is he one of the New Kids on the Block? He kind of sounds familiar, but if he’s not on Air1 or K-Love, I probably haven’t heard any of his music, since that’s all I listen to.”
His day not yet over, Johnson reportedly found himself faced with one final chance to show how pure he has kept himself from the filth of the world when his son asked if he’d like to see the new X-Men movie with him that night. “Hmmm . . . X-Men . . . Is that the quartet that performed on the ‘The 700 Club’ last month?” the sublimely pure man replied. When his son told him the X-Men were actually a fictional team of superpowered mutants, he just shrugged and said, “Not ringing any bells—I’ll pass on that secular garbage. I’m going to rent Fireproof again instead.”