HICKORY, NC—Local Account Manager and hell-bound man Derrick Dole says he found encouragement and comfort in an uplifting sermon delivered at Unity Chapel Sunday morning. The boost in self-esteem and affirmation occurred despite Dole’s current status as an object of God’s wrath, and his having no plans to repent or even change in the slightest, sources confirmed.
The sermon, Dole says, was “a real pick-me-up after a tough week of work,” where he reportedly embezzled from his employers, continued his ongoing mission to fornicate with several coworkers, and invested his time faithfully serving a whole host of idols.
“The pastor’s message on ‘Leading Happy Lives’ was really great,” he told reporters Tuesday. “I mean, lots of fundie Bible-thumping preachers would probably want to scream at me about my eternal fate—but I, for one, am glad this church looks out for what’s really important: that I’m not offended in any way, and go out the door with a spring in my step.”
“I always feel so much better about myself after I go to church,” he added.