God’s Got It Under Control, Reports Confirm

WORLD—Eminently authoritative sources confirmed Tuesday that the God of the universe has everything under control, “from the broad scope of human history all the way down to the minutest detail of your everyday life.”

Amidst rumors that the world had spun out of control and was spiraling toward unknown horrors that threatened to end mankind’s existence altogether, heavenly representatives offered a reminder that God is still in fact enthroned high above the earth, sovereignly overseeing every molecule in the universe, as He has been every second since He spoke it into existence.

At publishing time, sources had further confirmed that those who belong to Jesus can face the trials and tribulations of life with the blessed assurance that Christ has saved them, God is sovereign, and His promises never, ever fail.