DEARBORN, MI—In an attempt to corner the market on families that choose to homeschool their children, Ford Motor Company announced Monday its new upcoming line of 40-passenger vans.
Christened “The Homeschooler,” the flagship model seats 40 passengers and a driver, and includes fun entertainment for the kids, like Latin workbooks and classical Greek epic poems tucked right into the backs of the seats.
“We found that many homeschooling families were taking two or three of our twelve- or fifteen-passenger models to church,” a Ford representative said Monday. “This new model will allow the whole family to make the trip to homeschool co-op meetings, AWANA nights, and Sunday services all together in one vehicle.”
Options for the line of vans will include a pre-installed Chronicles of Narnia DVD playing on a continuous loop, a real-time ClearPlay system that replaces any foul language with a suitable alternative, and an in-floor storage system designed to stow up to eight strollers at once. Certain models will even come with safety features like alarms that begin blaring if a wayward child brings a soda on board the van, or if the system detects the presence of a kid who has been vaccinated.
According to Ford, all versions of the hot new line of homeschool-centered vans will ship with an “In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned” warning sticker on the bumper when 2018 models begin rolling out of the factory this fall.