Cruz, Kasich Fuse Into Single Candidate In Last-Ditch Effort To Stop Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a scientific marvel reportedly funded by the Koch brothers, Ted Cruz and John Kasich announced at a press conference Tuesday that they have fused into a single candidate, in what is being seen as a last-ditch effort to deny Donald Trump the Republican nomination.

The new candidate, named Jed Crusich, reportedly came into being by merging the bodies and essences—and voting bases, as the plan certainly goes—of the two former candidates Cruz and Kasich. Also fused are their delegate counts,┬ábringing Crusich to 707—within striking distance of Trump’s 845.

Crusich, whom Donald Trump has already dubbed “Cheatin’ Jed” on Twitter, announced his plan to campaign tirelessly in coming weeks as the Republican race nears the home stretch, and to do “whatever it takes” to win the nomination, “even if it means absorbing the essences of Rubio, Carson, and every single Bush as well.”