Confused Man Unable To Find Any Mention Of Himself In David And Goliath Narrative

BOSTON, MA—Inspired by a recent sermon preached by his pastor, local man Bill Timmons spent most of Thursday afternoon scouring the narrative covering David’s confrontation with Goliath in the book of 1 Samuel, but was somehow unable to find any mention of himself in the story, sources confirmed.

“Let’s see, David, Saul, Goliath, Philistines—still nothing about ol’ Bill here,” Timmons said to himself as he perused the text, running his index finger along the page and scanning for any clues that he was meant to insert himself into the narrative, according to witnesses.

“Hmm, must be a translation error,” he then reportedly grumbled to himself. “These newfangled Bible versions sometimes cut out a lot of the important verses and stuff, and I guess my name must have gotten axed somewhere along the way.”

Timmons further searched the notes in his study Bible and checked a commentary he had lying around, but none of the resources he had available indicated that the story was actually about him “facing the Goliaths” in his life.

At publishing time, the man had begun searching for some kind of secret numerical code that might have had his name encrypted in the text, but was still unsuccessful, according to sources.