Church Lock-In Descends Into Anarchy

MURFREESBORO, TN—A Friday-night student lock-in at 2nd Baptist Church descended into terrifying anarchy, sources confirmed early Saturday.

“The first few hours were great,” explained Jason Stowell, a youth group member who managed to escape when the violence broke out. “We ate pizza, played games, and had a little worship service where we heard a message and sang Light the Fire. I had no idea that by the end of the night people would be lighting real fires.”

“My mother always told me that nothing good happens after midnight,” a shaken Judy Dozier, one of the chaperones, told reporters. “She was right. Most of the adults had nodded off by 11:30. We woke up around 3:00 a.m. to screams and breaking glass. All power to the building had apparently been cut. The next thing I knew, a SWAT officer was dragging me to safety.”

According to sources, a casual video game tournament turned fractious around 12:30 a.m. As students bickered, warlords emerged and impromptu tribes formed. One tribe, calling themselves the “Beasts of No Name,” took over the administrative offices; another, the “Sons of Anak-y,” fell back to the nursery area. A nameless third band roamed the church in choir robes, conducting guerrilla attacks.

“It was basically The Purge,” explained Officer Rodney Bennett, police spokesman. “I don’t want to say too much because the investigation is ongoing. But it appears the roving gang set up an ambush near the student ministry refrigerator, which contained the leftover pizza and soft drinks. Approximately 0300 hours the Sons of Anak-y made a move on the sustenance and an altercation ensued. The noise drew the Beasts of No Name and just like that we had a Code 8, a real brouhaha on our hands. From there, things pretty much descended into unmitigated madness. It was at that point the chaperones locked themselves in the audio/visual room and called us.”

While the fire ended up destroying most of the church building, several makeshift weapons were still recovered from the ruins, including communion trays used as bucklers, a shank made from a candlestick, and a pillowcase containing John Frame’s A History of Western Philosophy and Theology.

“Hard to tell what’s scarier, having that thing swung at your head or actually reading it, am I right?” laughed Officer Bennett. His smile quickly disappeared. “But seriously. We deal with this more often than you think. These kids . . . Sunday morning they’re all “Lord of Heaven and Earth,” Friday night they’re all Lord of the Flies.”

“Let’s just thank God no one was killed, and let the courts sort this out,” he added.