Calvinist Missionaries Provide Remote Village With Fresh, Clean Craft Beer Supply

TANZANIA, AFRICA—A team of short-term missionaries from Sovereign Christ Reformed Church recently returned from sub-Saharan Africa, having successfully provided a remote Tanzanian village with safe, clean craft beer to drink, sources confirmed Wednesday.

The missionaries delivered 20 kegs of top-shelf brew and then spent several weeks teaching village elders how to brew dark porters, hoppy IPAs, and zesty wheat beers, while helping build a pipeline from the new village microbrewery to the various surrounding homes.

“Before we came, villagers were trudging miles each way to get their hands on sub-par, low-quality macrobrews,” one of the missionaries told reporters. “Now, every household in the village has nearly unlimited access to fresh, clean, craft beer piped right to their own spigot.”

“We were just going to bring the kegs, but we knew we had to go further than that. We needed to teach them how to brew the perfect, high-ABV beer if our clean beer initiative is to see lasting, sustainable impact.”

According to the missionaries’ presentation upon returning home, the entire village danced for joy when the clean craft brew project was completed.

“It was pretty emotional for everyone. When the women realized they wouldn’t have to lug 24 packs of Budweiser back from the nearest town every day, they began weeping and hugging each other.”

The team of missionaries isn’t done yet: according to leaders at the Reformed church, they’ll be returning next summer to show villagers how to grow and cultivate sustainable facial hair.