Breakfast In Hell Actually Above Average, Says Report

HELL—Despite numerous reports that breakfast in hell is inadequate and at least one prominent claim that “they don’t serve breakfast in hell” at all, representatives for the underworld confirmed Thursday that several reviews of the fiery place of judgment’s breakfast found it “above average” and “satisfactory.”

One independent report confirmed the claims of the demonic spokespersons for hell, stating that as far as places of judgment goes, the establishment’s breakfast experience is slightly better than what you’d expect.

“While many have claimed our toast is burned and our milk is turned, we want to assure anyone considering a stay with us in the lake of fire that our continental breakfast is more than adequate,” one demon named Wormwood told reporters Thursday. “And to dispel any rumors, I’ll go on record as saying that we have plenty of Captain Crunch to go around.”

“Fruit Loops, Cheerios—you name it. We’ve also got plenty of Sweet & Low for those of you that like coffee,” he added, though he did admit that all the coffee in hell is decaf.

At publishing time, representatives from heaven had confirmed that the front yard adjacent to the Father’s House was off-limits for football and “wasn’t really all that big.”