TEXAS - Joe Biden has come under scrutiny for the border crisis, but he's risen to the occasion. Biden arrived at the Mexican border at long last today to address the massive influx of refugees and migrant caravans coming up from various South American countries and Caribbean islands like Haiti.

But rather than backing up the Border Patrol or calling for greater border security, Biden simply raised his hands to the heavens. "Rio Grande... part!" he shouted in a loud voice. The waters of the Rio Grande then parted as his father below responded to his prayer, and millions of immigrants came passing through. 

Biden said he was touched by the sight and that it reminded him of a similar miracle he'd witnessed firsthand during the exodus of the Jews from Egypt (because he is old).

The migrants flooded into the United States, wave after wave coming rushing through thanks to the miraculous intervention of Joe Biden. Once they had all gotten into the country, Biden commanded the walls of water on either side of the passage to come crashing down, drowning the Border Patrol agents on horses in hot pursuit with their whips and chariots.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.