Beards May Grant Owner Supernatural Abilities, Study Finds

ANN ARBOR, MI—A study of over 2,000 bearded men found a “strong correlation” between a thick, bushy growth of facial hair and uncanny supernatural abilities such as flight, powerful regenerative abilities, heat vision, and enhanced strength, researchers at the University of Michigan announced Monday.

“Besides the obvious benefits like a manly look, warmth in the winter, and enhanced preaching and teaching skills, beards seem to grant the owner any number of enhanced capabilities,” a research assistant told reporters Monday. “We witnessed one subject who grew a beard, and after it breached a length of one inch, was instantly gifted with the ability to run the speed of sound.”

“It seems the obvious choice for any man is to grow a beard. We really don’t see any reason why you wouldn’t.”

Other volunteers were observed slaughtering their foes by generating and hurling searing hot orbs of fire, or freezing enemies to death with deadly cold-breath abilities.

According to the full results of the academic study, available at the university’s website, subjects who shaved their beards immediately lost their powers, and “also looked really childish and dumb.”