Baptist Church Security Detains Man Trying To Smuggle Tambourine Into Service

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Utilizing his “stop and frisk” policy he has instituted to make sure no “funny business” makes it into his house of worship’s services, First Baptist Church head security guard Jon R. Geldof was able to detain a man Sunday morning after busting him trying to smuggle an ornate tambourine into the service.

“When we hear a slight jingle, we always err on the side of caution—thankfully it paid off this time and no one got hurt,” Geldof told reporters in the foyer Sunday as he searched an elderly woman’s large purse. “Worshipers are counting on us to maintain a distraction-free worship experience, without any unexpected movements, sights, or sounds that aren’t listed in the bulletin.”

“Ma’am, you’re free to go. Enjoy the service, and be sure to join us for potluck.”

According to Geldof, he’s had a few close calls, including a young man suspected of hiding an egg shaker in his coat pocket, whom Geldof charged and wrestled to the ground before he could make it into service. The shaker was later discovered to be a half-empty box of Tic-Tacs.

This time, however, the threat was very real. Thanks to the the crafty veteran’s steadfastness and instincts, the tambourine was neutralized before it could cause harm or distraction to any of the Baptist faithful.