SOMEWHERE IN INDIA—Citing his need to “take it easy” during his podcast’s summer hiatus, prolific theologian and Southern Baptist Theological Seminary president R. Albert Mohler is reportedly making an arduous daily trek up a mountain somewhere deep in the Himalayas to train with a secret organization of deadly Buddhist martial artists.
The shadowy cult of monks is rumored to be headquartered in a primitive dojo situated on top of a snowy peak at roughly 21,000′ elevation.
“It’s really refreshing,” Mohler said as he consumed a sparse meal of noodles and roasted yak, which he had hunted and killed that morning. “My daily 3 a.m. hike to the summit gives me time to clear my head, and brawling for my life in the fighting pits against Tibetan warrior monks is a real hoot and a half.” The theologian then reportedly dumped out his butter tea, whispering that it was likely poisoned to test his ability to detect attempts on his life.
“All this preparation is getting me ready to come out swinging when The Briefing goes back online,” Mohler said with a smile as he quickly whipped his right palm out to catch a shuriken that had been hurled at him from the shadows. “Ha! Classic Tibetans. They know how to keep me on my toes.”
Mohler further reported his plans to “continue to take things slow” during his podcast’s summer break once he obtains the highest level of honor within the mysterious and ancient combat organization, possibly only writing “two or three books” during the interval.